A message from the Rt. Hon. Charles Kennedy MP

"Dear CF members,

I am writing to thank you for your (somewhat baffling) support over the past troubled week.

I am very reassured that even as my own party discarded me like a used hankerchief, the members of Conservative Future came out to offer me their full support with comments such as "You're doing a great job - honestly!" and "We need you." (They must have meant need in the sense that Britain 'needs' forward thinking and principled democratic opposition such as that offered when I was 'in power')

As I now reflect on what might have been (as well as my now ironically titled book -pictured), I cannot help but feel a little betrayed by my once-loyal colleagues. Ming-the-Merciless has long coveted my position, but to be stabbed in the back (of the knee) by that venomous little dwarf Sarah Teather was a step too far.

You would think, that a group of people loyal enough to keep my alcohol problem secret from the voters during two general election campaigns would keep schtum when it came to getting rid of me.

In any case, it is all now irrelevant. As my own party squabbles over who will become the next Grand High Irrelevance, I am left to contemplate my own immediate future. It is my pleasure to announce to CF members first that I will be the mystery 12th Housemate on Celebrity Big Brother.

With luck, and CF members continuing support I can go on to receive a democratic mandate from the only people who count - students and chavvy hairdressers from Essex. Failing that, hopefully I can persuade Jodie Marsh and that girl from Baywatch to make a Charlie Sandwich out of me.

Wishing you well for the New Year,

Charles"

Editor's Note: For anyone still in confusion, (especially members of the Literal Dumbocrat Party) this is a joke and should not be taken seriously - except for the bit about Celebrity Big Brother.