Oscars night approaches

The Oscars. A night of self congratulation for the overpaid and overhyped stars of the silver screen.

This year though there's a problem.

None of the films nominated for best picture has been a hit at the box office, with arty mid-range films winning out over the Narnia's and Kong's.

As a result, and in what will probably be a vain attempt, the Academy has sent out a DVD hosted by Tom Hanks, detailing how to make the perfect Oscars speech.